


Yes, Anthony, There is a Santa Claus

by LinguisticJubilee



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: And that's coming from the girl who brought you Octopus!Phil, Christmas Crack, Crack, Gen, This may very well be the crackiest crack I ever cracked
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-12
Updated: 2012-12-12
Packaged: 2017-11-19 19:59:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/577085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LinguisticJubilee/pseuds/LinguisticJubilee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers glanced at each other.  “Tony,” Bruce said, slowly, “what do you think about Santa?”</p><p>“Just that I’m going to wring his neck if I ever see him for holding out on us with faster-than-light travel,” Tony said, inspecting the oven.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yes, Anthony, There is a Santa Claus

“Explain to me again this Santa,” Thor said, bowl in one hand and whisk in the other.

“Santa Claus is a folktale among several Misgardian cultures,” Bruce said. He took the bowl from Thor and inspected it. “Nice work.” He added flour and handed it back to Thor. 

“And why does he present children with gifts?” 

“So parents have something to hold over their children during the last months of the year,” Clint said while rolling out dough. He smacked Natasha’s hand away from the pile of chocolate chips. She huffed and went back to peeling apples with Steve. 

“It’s a way to share in the celebrations without observing the religious aspects,” Phil corrected, melting dark chocolate and coconut oil in a pan over the stove.  


“Found it!” Tony said, striding in, vanilla held triumphantly in his hand. “What are we talking about?” 

“Midgard’s myth of Saint Nicholas!” Thor said, brandishing the whisk and flinging dough across the kitchen.  


Tony snorted.  


“What?” Bruce asked with a laugh. “Do you have a problem with Santa Claus?”  


“No, no,” Tony said, putting up his hands. “Just…’myth.’”  


The Avengers glanced at each other. “Tony,” Bruce said, slowly, “what do you think about Santa?”  


“Just that I’m going to wring his neck if I ever see him for holding out on us with faster-than-light travel,” Tony said, inspecting the oven.  


“Oh my god,” Clint said, before Coulson had a chance to silence him. “Oh my god, you think Santa Claus is real.”  


“Yes, yes I do, Legolas.” Tony straightened up. “You got a problem with that?”  


“Nope, not a one, no problems here,” Clint said, busying himself with the rolling pin.  


“I do not understand,” Thor asked, “I thought St. Nicholas was just a tale. Are you telling me he does in fact exist?”  


“Not as some mythical weak-ass fairy spirit,” Tony said, crossing his arms. “A being, older than memory and with one hell of a savior complex, capable of producing advanced cloaking and transport technologies.”  


“That’s Doctor Who, not Santa. Sorry, Susan,” Phil smacked Clint on the head.  


“Tony,” Bruce said, taking a step forward, “you can’t be serious. You’re a scientist!”  


“And you turn into the Grinch whenever the cookies overbake. What? You all seriously don’t believe me?”  


The Avengers slowly shook their heads. “I’ve been to the Arctic ,” Steve said with a small smile. “No Santa Claus there.”  


“Well, that’s—Fine. That’s fine. I’ll just be in my lab now.” Tony stormed out, baking long forgotten.  


Steve rubbed a hand over his eyes. “Jarvis, what was that?”  


The AI’s voice came crisp and clear from the kitchen speakers. “Mr. Stark believes he encountered Santa Claus as a young boy in his childhood mansion. Ever since then, he has been convinced of Santa Claus’s existence. He engages in periodic research into transportation methods and possible locations to strengthen his argument.”  


“Let me guess,” Steve sighed, “his parents told him he was wrong, and he’s never been able to let it go since.”  


“Sounds like our Stark,” Bruce said with a small smile. “So what do we do?”  


“I would imagine,” Thor said slowly, “that a deception, once discovered, wounds one deeply. I know that, for myself, I would like to pretend that my brother was good and true as I once did. Perhaps our Tony can be allowed to keep this one small thing?”  


“So we wait?” Bruce asked.  


Steve nodded. “We wait.”  


***  


Tony holed himself up in his workshop for three days. All access to the workshop was barred, even for Bruce. Jarvis informed the Avengers that Tony was eating and drinking regularly, which was as much as they could hope for in the circumstances.  


At the end of the third day, Tony emerged, looking a little wild around the eyes and grinning maniacally. “Everyone. In the Quinjet. Now.”  


“What’s going on?” Steve asked in his most authoritative Cap voice.  


“Relax, it’s not Avenging,” Tony waved his hand. “Just…in the Quinjet.”  


Tony kept up a constant chatter during the flight. He talked about electromagnetic radiation deflectors and processing centers of the brain and never answered the questions “where are we going?” or “seriously, what the hell, Stark?”  


A flew short hours later, they landed in the middle of a snowstorm. Tony calmly handed them all down jackets and snow pants. “Lady and Gentlemen,” he said, “I present to you, 90 degrees North, whatever-the-fuck-you-want West.”  


“You took us to the North pole,” Natasha said, disbelieving.  


In reponse, Tony pushed buttons on the console. The Quinjet windows flashed, and suddenly, a large, brightly-colored village appeared in the distance. Cottages dotted the horizon, and in the center stood a large, green wood building, red-striped smokestacks puffing away.  


“Well,” Clint said. “Congratulations, Virginia. Merry fucking Christmas.”  


“Merry fucking Christmas to you too, Katniss.” Tony smiled. “You, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> For FeelsTide 2012, prompt 68.


End file.
